Feelings

As I write this, it’s 9pm on Monday 14th March 2016.  In 17 hours’ time – at 2pm tomorrow – I will get the results of my CT scan.  I’ll find out how far the cancer has spread through my body, and what my treatment will be.

2pm

Friends have emailed to ask how I’m feeling.

The best reply would be – numb.

I’ve felt that way since the consultant told me that I had cancer.  It was as though all the colour was suddenly washed out of the world.

I realised that I could hear someone crying, and was very surprised to discover that it wasn’t me.  It was Kirsty.

I was suddenly overwhelmed with the dreadful feeling that I had let her and the boys down.

“Will it happen soon?” I asked the lady with the clipboard.

“Will what happen soon?”

“He’s asking if he’s going to die soon,” Kirsty explained.

“We don’t know,” admitted the lady.

I wish I could remember her name, she was very kind.

Back in the waiting room I sent text messages to my brother and sister to tell them the result of the biopsy, and asked them not to call yet as I would have to gather myself together enough so that I could drive home (Kirsty doesn’t drive.  She might have to learn).

As I walked across the car park with Kirsty, hand in hand, I discovered another feeling.  I felt relived that my Mum and Dad weren’t here to hear the bad news.  It would upset them so much.

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9 Comments


  1. Often heard my niece Jo speak about you. I wish you and Kirsty and children all the best and you all start through this journey together. I will follow your journey and be hoping and praying that you all get to the light at the end of the tunnel. Jan x

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  2. Thinking of you and your family Tommy – loved Shrodingers Lump BTW – best way you could have told the boys .

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  3. I wish you all the best in your battle. The blog is a really great idea and will hopefully prove to be of great comfort and inspiration to other people going through the same battle as you.

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  4. Please don’t hide your feelings. It’s okay to be terrified. It gets less scary day by day. In a month or so, this will be your ‘normal’. Hug your loved ones and let them be scared too. You can’t change your reality but you can keep going. And that’s what will kick your cancer’s butt.

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  5. Hi Tommy, I know we haven’t met in the flesh and I hope a few posts won’t make you feel like I’m stalking you around the internet! I am a big fan though, and having learned something about cancer over the last decade and a half I want to a. add my voice to the chorus of well-wishers and b. say that I think this blog is a very useful and courageous idea. Sounds like you have a wonderful family and top-quality support but if you ever want to chat feel free to contact me by whichever method is most convenient.

    Very best of luck with the battle, and cheers.

    Martx

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  6. Just read this, Tommy and want to send you lots of love. Can’t imagine how terrifying the sudden descent into Ye Worlde Medical must be, but hope that you’re hanging onto your essential Tommy- ness in the middle of the maelstrom. You have the strength to take this on; even to begin a blog is testament to your courage. Lots of love xxxxxDebi

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  7. Hi mate, We go back a few years! And I know we’ve been intouch about your cancer. As you know I’ve had it, and as your putting this blog together (and may I say you’ve done a really good job) the one thing I can say to you and others in your position is to KEEP POSITIVE.
    Everybody deals with this in different ways, as they’ll deal with it with different treatments.
    It’s not always going to be easy, it’s hard when there’s people talking at you about treatments and diagnosis. It doesn’t always go in, but there’s a lot of good people out there working hard to beat it.
    There will be days when you really don’t want to talk to anyone, and there will be days when you just want to talk to anyone and everyone.
    Face each day as it comes, and keep that chin up.
    I’m rooting for you mate.

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  8. All the very best of wishes from South Tyneside Libraries, and everyone in the North East and NCBF in particular. Great sessions for NCBF and the Tyne2Seine project. Keep up the fight!

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  9. Good luck to you and your family. I don’t know you but I hear and feel what you have said and think your an inspiration. It’s brave speaking about your forthcoming fight but so many people will be helped and will learn. Big hugs, your amazing. As a person looking in from the outside I will be here for you if you need an ear “onwards and upwards”

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