“Midnight,” as the great Shakin’ Stevens once sang, “one more night without sleeping…”
He knew what he was talking about, did Shaky.
I’m doing it again. Sitting up at my desk, wide awake, while the rest of the family sleep. I tried to nod off a few times earlier, but couldn’t settle and so I got up again.
I’m really nervous about tomorrow. Well, today now. More specifically, my 2pm appointment with the radiographer to discuss my treatment.
That sounds ridiculous, doesn’t it? These people have come up with a plan of action to rid me of cancer, and I’m scared to go and hear what they have to say.
I think it’s the unknown. I know nothing about chemotherapy, or radiotherapy and quite frankly I’m too much of a coward to look up the details online. I just know I’ll come across some little detail or glance at some horrible image that will have me crapping myself.
Look at me – the big man who can’t even look at pictures of his own disease. How am I supposed to beat this thing if I’m too scared to face it, eye to eye?
Jesus, that sent a shiver up my spine. I hope it hasn’t got eyes!
So, here I am. Sitting at my desk in the middle of the night, reading web forums I never usually get around to visiting. I suppose that’s something, at least.
The doctor gave me some sleeping tablets. I’m going to take a couple soon, and head back to bed for another attempt at visiting the land of nod.
Did you know that The Land of Nod is mentioned in the Bible? It’s in Genesis, and is reported to be to the east of the Garden of Eden. That’s my favourite pub quiz question ever.
East of Eden. My sister, Sue, loves that film, along with anything else to do with James Dean.
When you’re brought up Catholic, you get ‘confirmed’ as a teenager and have to choose an extra name. A confirmation name. It’s supposed to be a religious name that means something important to you. The name of someone from religious history you have researched and, as a result, admire.
Sue chose the name Caleb because that’s the character James Dean played in East of Eden! She got away with it, too.
I chose Matthew, because he was a writer.
For someone who doesn’t believe in God, he’s been on my mind a lot lately. I’ve had messages from so many people saying that they are praying for me. It’s very humbling, and I’m trying to reply to them all to say thank you.
Earlier this evening, my 9 year old son, Sam, asked me what I would ask for if I was granted three wishes. I told him to go first.
He said he’d ask for…
- A cure for cancer
- World peace
- Twelve more genies (because you can’t wish for more wishes)
He’s amazing. Both my boys are. I love them so much, and I know they’re going to be scared and upset as they watch me go through my treatment.
And there’s nothing I can do about it.
I don’t think I’ve ever felt more helpless than I have done over the past two weeks. Since I got my diagnosis. There’s literally nothing I can do to get over this other than submit to weeks of chemical and radioactive bombardment.
And I’m too scared to find out more about either.