Hannah, the lovely Macmillan Cancer nurse attached to the ENT department at Blackburn Hospital, called today to say that doctors had held a meeting about little ol’ me and my new bff cancer pal – the upshot of which is that I’m being called in very soon for further tests, including but not limited to…
Another CT scan – full body this time, just to check the evil bastard that is Cancer 2.0 hasn’t set up shop anywhere else.
Peak flow test – to see how, if at all, the tumour is affecting my ability to breathe.
Bronchoscopy (not yet confirmed) – there’s nothing like having a camera shoved down your throat and into your lungs to pass the time of day. This time, the doctors will also use a claw attached to the camera in order to tear off a piece of the tumour to test/juggle/eat/submit for the Turner Prize.
I underwent this particular test whilst still in hospital in mid 2016. Since then, however, my trismus (lockjaw) has worsened to a point where I can no longer open my mouth wide enough for the camera to pass through. Hannah explained they’d probably go in through my nose, in that case. Phew! Glad I’m not going to miss out on that bucket of joy.
Of course, I’m now worried in case I catch a cold and am so bunged up they have to go in via my arse instead. I fully understand this does happen all the time in yer actual colonoscopy, but I imagine the journey from ring to lung is a little more complex. Unless they install some sort of internal GPS first (Shatnav? Anyone? Anyone?), I suspect they would have to pull over somewhere to ask for directions.
Speaking of arses… I have several friends who have been badgering* me to set up a Just Giving page through which to raise funds to help support my family while I’m off having a jolly time with good old Henry Tumour over the coming weeks and months.
I really didn’t want to do this at first as, despite appearances, I’m actually quite a proud sort who hates the idea of asking for charity. But then these ‘friends’ pointed out that I’m not asking for me, and that anything raised will be to help Kirsty and the boys.
Damn them and their sensible logic!
So, I caved in and did it.
Here’s the link to my new page at Just Giving. And I won’t say any more than that about it.
Right, I’d better go and practice lying on a bench while someone slides me back and forth through a revolving magnet the size of a small car.
* The concept of ‘badgering’ someone has always intrigued me. Can you repeat the process with other woodland creatures, does it have to be a badger? I suppose you can ‘outfox’ someone, and I’ve known people who ‘rabbit’ on all the time. You can also ‘squirrel’ away money and ‘weasel’ out of an awkward situation. I’ve never seen anyone act suspiciously with a vole, however. Well, apart from one one time…